Pause

Today feels different. I don’t know why, or how, but I knew it when I woke up this morning. I have a lot of emotion today, but it’s all very shallow. More like my brain is telling me I should feel a certain way, even though I don’t. My brain remembers how to feel, even if the real emotion isn’t there. So it’s testing other emotions to see which one sticks.

It feels like the world outside has paused. Like everything is in a weird limbo, and I can’t explain it. It’s quiet. It has been all day. Even the guinea pigs and the dog haven’t made much noise. I tried watching TV, reading, crafting – anything to break this unnatural stillness… nothing. I live in Southern California, where it doesn’t snow. But I imagine this is what it feels like and sounds like when you wake up to the first snow of winter.

The only sound in the room is the two fans, oscillating back and forth, back and forth, and the clicking of the keys as I type. It’s hypnotic in exactly the opposite way as watching the clouds, or listening to the waves crash on the beach.

I want to be surrounded by beauty, and I want to create beauty that others want to be surrounded by. I want to be a force of nature, a force of creation to be reckoned with. But not today. Today is for sitting quietly and listening. Today is for waiting.

I don’t know what I’m waiting for, just that I need to wait. Be patient, I hear my soul telling me, it’ll come, and when it does, have faith that you will understand. And just having that faith fills me with a strange kind of satisfaction. Today is not for creating, not for doing, not for pushing or rushing or stressing. All I have to do today

is pause.

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About elizabethanne

I'm 22, living in Southern California, and trying to figure out this crazy thing called life.
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